The Fiction Comes Out

Nothing mattered anymore. I knew that he wasn’t coming back, despite the reminder of his “on air” proposal announced by Terry to Trina while i was wired up with a walkie talkie. I don’t know it was some furniture order. Yes I am working now. I went back to the place that I stocked shelves before I worked at EIU and things when bad when everyone was fucking with me. Everything was telling me to quit. I did. I thought some type of technology was being used where i could hear people communicate in my head. Back to fiction…

Mom and my step-dad had won billions of dollars and their unexpected and extremely gracious reward to me and my brother was overwhelming. I was in shock while i spent my time in an amazing hotel. I was in no luxury, although the room itself was immaculate and very classy. I didn’t know what to do with myself because I predicted this so many years before. I knew it was going to happen. I knew money was going to come into my life but I didn’t know where from.

I needed a rest. I was working on overdrive. I slugged around the room for months. It was a terrible sight to see. I didn’t want anyone around. I wanted to be left alone. 


I feel terrible

I came here to talk about my experience. I don’t have a good topic for today other than I hate to fail. Who doesn’t?

I can’t stop myself from eating. It’s an addiction. Anyone who doesn’t think it is, hasn’t been addicted to eating. I want to just stop. It seems like I should be able to “just stop” but it isn’t working that way. Part of my problem is that I spend too much time at home. I get cooped up in here wandering in thought and feel as if I want to eat.

For a long time, I have fought mental illness. I have a traumatic brain injury amongst some other choice jargon. Because of my struggle, I gave into my eating habits and boy are they hard to reverse. I let myself eat whatever I wanted. I ate to be happy. I ate when I was stressed. I ate just to eat. I’m guilty as an over eater hands down.

But, when I went to reverse this kindling of my life, I’m finding it tears into my happiness. I even feel a little depressed about not being able to indulge in my favorite foods. I keep pushing the thoughts in my head to remember that the changes I am making is to embark a change: weight loss. I want to be at a healthy weight more than anything else. That should be enough to quit eating bad food!!

The other obstacle I face is that I live right next door to a grocery store. Seems nice, eh? Not after you’ve slaved your mind to the store every becking call of your stomach.

All and all, I need some help here. How can I recoupe my mind to eat when I need to not just any time?

Becoming aware

I fixed an Italian beef sandwich on a bun with some chips and as I was eating I became aware of what I was eating. Changing from my old self I left the end of the sandwich on the plate when I felt satisfied. I spun through these feelings without hardly noticing it numerous time in the past, but this time was different. I sat it down.

An hour or so later I have a sugar craving. Not an extreme overpowering one but one that was definitely controlling. My thoughts went to ice cream, then i toned it down with a frozen yogurt smoothie with some pineapple then i thought “I have a tin of Pirouline cream filled wafers.” You know, those long sort of hollow wafer cookie things with chocolate in the middle?

Next thing i knew it, i was making a coffee. I’m pretty sure the coffee was a cover up for this sugar craving. “I can have some Pirouline cookies whilst i have my coffee.”

I did and I am and I am happy. Still fat though.


Feeling good is generally how we want to feel. We may feel uncomfortable if things aren’t in place. It comes down to perception of reality when making decisions. Some decisions are made in order to help us become more comfortable.

088This is a piece of my crochet work. It can be easy to get off a stitch on either end and after that first stitch, it keeps progressing further inward. The result is a lopsided square, a quadrilateral that feels like it needs undone and redone correctly. The person who requested this is a friend of mine and the intended use would be acceptable for this [sort of] square figure. I proceed. Reaching the end, I decided I could repair this anomaly by adding an extra row and a half.

What I found is that there is a right angle – a perfect square corner, the right corner – and when the flat edge is on the bottom, closest to you, the upper dis-configuration is softened by the exactness its counterpart.

In the end, I feel okay about it. The proportions are better but maybe it was okay how it was. The mind doesn’t mind that it was lopsided, but the repair makes it feel more full. I’ll let it be what it is.

It’s been a long time…

I’ve been trying the weed again. It’s much more exciting to grow a thinking structure with the weed than without, so my greatest hopes are to discuss and communicate everything of my experiences to you in the most delicate of ways.

I was a regular smoker for many years on and off through and after high school, however I feel much different than I ever have.

I’ve never felt so impacted by smoking the marijuana. It is coming clear to me that my way of life is different now, with or without marijuana. Neither bad nor good; some worse[s] and some best[s] are more extreme, specific and sometimes elaborate than than they used to be. I feel myself looking for something familiar in order to see some sense of comfort but everything feels foreign. I have to make peace with this discomfort.

I find that a lot of people are still trying to make sense of what peace is. The peace sign has been overworked. We think of bright colors and children (as your average american) instead of how we intend of pursue it. If all you have in front of you is right now, then that’s we have what we have to work with.

We have now. We have the choice to leave our old thinking patterns in the trash can. We can do that.


Hidradenitis suppurativa Healing Deodorant

There are a handful of personal care products that I make, mostly for myself; however, this is one for the books.

I have suffered with hidradenitis from my youth into the present. While there are some solutions to help alleviate the pain, the issue is generally ongoing and can last throughout a lifetime.

I went to the doctor, took antibiotics (minocyclene) for quite some time while also having monthly injections into the sores themselves. This did help some, but it was nearly impossible for each instance to be treated, as they showed up quite frequently in my youth. In adulthood, I still have problems with them but no longer take any medication or the injections, as the outbreaks have tamed down over time. There is hope!

I have recently started using my own natural deodorant. Over the years, I have had a battle with finding the right deodorant. Some felt uncomfortable, some made me break out, some absorbed too far into my arm pit’s pores causing an added potential for future clogged sweat glands (which is the cause of hidradenitis). In response, and with some experimentation, I made my own deodorant featuring zinc oxide. This is a huge win for hidradenitis. We want to wear deodorant that is good for our skin while stabilizing odor. We’re wearing it anyway, we might as well wear something day-to-day that is of multi-functionality.

My deodorants are $4 plus shipping (if you are interested).

This recipe is simply too good to keep for myself. If you are a DIYer, and would like the recipe I would be more than happy to post it for you.