I always reach out my hand
tryin to find my fuckn man
disappear pact
strange act
don’t know how much so i blaze that
choose to deliver and explain ‘Mat
cant show your brother so you disguise Zach
take a look at each other accept smack
turn the pages i don’t know disarrange blast.
Disillusion, even less if you arrange your thoughts, your stage
feeling different many types of ways
skin is beautiful im amazed
I don’t remember writing this but it was in my drafts 🔊
I feel things incredibly deeply. I am very certain at this point that I am meant to do something else with my life. I feel like things are being done in light of me and that while my old goals no longer serve me, I am still reaching for a deep sense of accomplishment.
I’ve overworked myself in regular every day corporate jobs because my soul wants to be heard and I have developed a mindset that seems to be delivered with a plan. What I have to do at this point is decide once and for all what I want. An opportunity to advance in my corporate career has passed me. There’s still light for this opportunity in my future but I feel like I am being pulled to discover my life in new light. Things have aligned to serve me a better tomorrow. I have to trust that life is bringing me to a new level of discovery. I have to trust myself and my abilities and my link to the universe. I try to not tamper with people’s energy. There’s a reason why i have been so very careful about how i make people feel. I feel as if I should advance my thoughts and i plan to do that through udemy and a privately owned study course to become an entrepreneur. This has always been my goal.
While I have pushed myself incredibly hard in the corporate world, there’s a reason I’m in an entry level job: my job in life is much more complex. There are other peaks for me to reach. There is a lot of money in my future and I will be able to achieve a wonderful fortune. I plan to help other people financially once I find that money funnel created symbolically for me.
Some people are internally not wired let the truth out. Some people consume other people like a drug off the street. Some people’s energies need to be protected because they exert incredible healing abilities. The people who need to be protected don’t always know they need that protection to sustain their gifts of natural healing and helping. It is important that these people are held up so that they will not be consumed.
Slithering in like a snake, people can become more needy and more demanding as time progresses. Some people see kindness as a cold drink while they are lost in the desert. Be mindful of how much and how often others are tended to. Like my Grandma said, “you’re number one.” Putting yourself first is the most important part. I wish someone would have given me this knowledge years ago. However, we are only prepared to hear what we want to hear. I may have been warned but didn’t see the warning signs. Learning goes with time and we progress as we receive this information.
This may be the oldest one in the book but … you can’t pour from an empty cup. I’ve found that some of the most simple of answers make the most sense. I was just talking with the lady who is leading my goal setting group about that. I’ve talked about simple answers many times before. It really does deem necessary to state the most obvious things, especially when life is in turmoil.
There is a nice rounded way to live life and get your point across without interjecting guilt, blame, or negativity in ANY particular way. There is no room for that in life. We all likely have the same goals: to be happy, healthy and productive. Communication can be done in a way that is light and airy and your voice will be heard. Sometimes fewer or less words stand more broad than a lot of knit picky thoughts. We have to chose our battles and let the rest go. It’s healthy to vent in a constructive way.
While I was just trying to help, I would over-exert myself without realizing it. I would get worn down until my pencil was just a stubble. I felt betrayed and I felt tired. My soul was tired. That’s why it is so important to never get to that level. When this happens, sometimes our brain turns on its drive out of spite, anger, or just to prove a point. This is counterproductive. It is important to keep these things in mind because we only want to fix, we only want to help, and all we want are solutions. We don’t have to go overboard to achieve the completeness both internally and externally. All we need to do is keep our eye on the prize, pure and simple, one step at a time.
It should not be about control. Unless it is positive, forward moving communication, we should not seek to make people feel any particular way. If what we are doing is pure, the greater good will come about. Lifting people up, saying thank you or expressing gratitude will help keep you in alignment with yourself. It’s about honesty, especially being honest within yourself.
What becomes dangerous is when people hold it in. Say you make ham and beans. You turn the heat off after dinner and leave the lid on. You forget to put it away. Heat is trapped in there and in turn creates bacteria and a nasty rotting sensation. Do you want that rotting sensation in your body? Take the lid off. Take the lid off of your mind at the end of the day. I’ve felt better venting through writing or typing even though no one may know. Maybe someone else can take the lid off if you forget… let the problem be known because you can’t eat that. You’ll get sick. No one wants to be sick. Take action before crisis happens; do something before it gets bad,
All of this is a big lesson learned and expressed for a sense of awareness. Be sure to take inventory within yourself. Don’t pour from an empty cup. Be aware of people’s metaphorical masks and hats.; some are healthy some are not. I learned this all from experience.
Hey ladies! I feel incredibly enlightened and excited today about the quantum changes I feel I am manifesting on the horizon!!
Challenge #3 sent me thinking on a very deep level. As I had left my past behind after I worked it all through my mind over years and years, I like to remain positive so i stay away from it until it it called to the surface. However, looking back yesterday gave me an interesting sense of self that I feel compelled to tell you and goes right along with challenge #3:
My word is non-existent. I spent the first 25 years of my life feeling like I wasn’t alive. Suffering from childhood trauma and deception, I had minimized myself to non-existent. I would explain to my therapists over time that I simply felt I was watching life through my eyes as if it were a movie. Caregiving was naturally engrained into me because I felt drawn to it.
So for the assignment, what’s the opposite or key antonym of non-existent?…. INFINITE! While I have started a small scale hobby business, its name is “Infinite Math”. I manifested the name a couple months ago explaining that the possibilities are limitless. I did not realize [the connection this has to quantum possibilities and manifestation by a quantum catalyst] until just now.
As far as a regret, I look past regret because I know that every thing manifests in perfect timing. I believe that our worlds are built in a perfect way in order to learn in a specific manner. All the steps of our lives are what gives us all a unique outlook and strengths that set us apart. My regrets were very strong before I “woke up”.
final 3rd challenge
Hey ladies! I feel incredibly enlightened and excited today (written Friday, January 21, 2022) about the quantum changes I feel I am manifesting on the horizon!! Challenge #3 sent me thinking on a very deep level, plus Saturday, January 22, 2022 was my grandmother’s 90th birthday! Ironically enough, our assignment was to analyze what we would want to have accomplished going into old age at 80 years old. I see my answer to this question as less of a list or check off but more of an ongoing presentation of positive relations and influences. I would love the opportunity to travel and see different cultures. I would also would want my writing to be something of a guide for others. As I have left my past behind after I worked it all through my mind over years and years, through journaling and meditation, gaining acceptance in my heart, I like to remain positive so i stay away from the past until it it called to the surface or light. However, looking back yesterday gave me an interesting sense of self that I feel compelled to tell you and goes right along with challenge #3:My word from the past is non-existent. I spent the first 25 years of my life feeling like I wasn’t alive. Suffering from childhood trauma and deception, I had minimized myself to non-existent. I would explain to my therapists over time that I simply felt I was watching life through my eyes as if it were a movie. Caregiving was naturally engrained into me because I felt drawn to it. Codependency is a topic that i studied to help break my cycles of helping people who wouldn’t help themselves. This was very hard for me to do. I had to step back and it wasn’t easy to not help my loved ones when they were having problems. My need to help others who couldn’t help themselves started in my early teens. I worked through most of what i went through by the time I was about 30. I now am 35 and have a renewed love of life and drive to give self-care. Sooo important. No more empty cup.So for the assignment, what’s the opposite or key antonym of non-existent?…. INFINITE! While I have started a small scale hobby business, its name is “Infinite Math”. I manifested the name a couple months ago explaining that the possibilities are limitless. I did not realize [the connection this has to quantum possibilities and manifestation by a quantum catalyst] until just now.As far as a regret, I look past regret because I know that every thing manifests in perfect timing. I believe that our worlds are built in a perfect way in order to learn in a specific manner. All the steps of our lives are what gives us all a unique outlook and strengths that set us apart. My regrets were very strong before I “woke up” several years ago.
3rd attempt
#3rdchallenge
Hey ladies! I feel incredibly enlightened and excited today (written Friday, January 21, 2022) about the quantum changes I feel I am manifesting on the horizon!! Challenge #3 sent me thinking on a very deep level, plus Saturday, January 22, 2022 was my grandmother’s 90th birthday! Ironically enough, our assignment was to analyze what we would want to have accomplished going into old age at 80 years old. I see my answer to this question as less of a list or check off but more of an ongoing presentation of positive relations and influences. I would love the opportunity to travel and see different cultures. I would also would want my writing to be something of a guide for others. As I have left my past behind after I worked it all through my mind over years and years, through journaling and meditation, and gained acceptance in my heart and spirit, I like to remain positive so i stay away from the past until it is called to the surface or to light. However, looking back yesterday gave me an interesting sense of self that I feel compelled to tell you and goes right along with challenge #3:
My word from the past is non-existent. I spent the first 25 years of my life feeling like I wasn’t alive. Suffering from childhood trauma and deception, I had minimized myself to non-existent. I would explain to my therapist and others over time that I simply felt I was watching life through my eyes as if it were a movie. Caregiving was naturally engrained into me because I felt drawn to it. Codependency is a topic that I studied to help break my cycles of helping people who wouldn’t help themselves. This was very hard for me to do. I had to step back and it wasn’t easy to not help my loved ones when they were having problems. My need to help others who couldn’t help themselves started in my early teens, tending to family members who had altered their states with addiction. I worked through most of what i went through by the time I was about 30. I now am 35 and have a renewed love of life and drive to give self-care. Sooo important. No more empty cup. I am incredibly excited to understand that I can help people again, just on my own time. I can express my lessons learned to people who are READY to take the time to change!So for the assignment, what’s the opposite or key antonym of non-existent?…. INFINITE! While I have started a small scale hobby business, its name is “Infinite Math”. I manifested the name a couple months ago explaining that the possibilities are limitless. I did not realize [the connection this has to quantum possibilities and manifestation by a quantum catalyst] until just now!!As far as a regret, I look past regret because I know that every thing manifests in perfect timing. I believe that our worlds are built in a perfect way in order to learn in a specific manner. All the steps of our lives are what give us all a unique outlook and strengths that set us apart. My regrets were very strong before I “woke up” several years ago. Now, I choose happiness and learning.
I learned something about myself and the recovery of memories. I had one deeply engrained into my psyche and it in turn made a huge impact on my life and how I process this subject.
I did my best to portray my life through release of my autobiography in the most honest of light. What I’ve learned is that the perception and feelings obtained during a new type of experience can alter the outcome or conclusive emotion/experience retained.
I would have spent my whole life thinking an experience I had was how it really happened. A family member stood up for their feelings and what they believed to be true.
While I immediately felt they were in a sad denial, I thought over this for years before I was able to put the pieces together. I can understand it is difficult to accept a new past. I am here to make it right.
While I revisited my past over and over, spending grueling hours analyzing my journals, poems and all the information I hold upstairs, it was torture recalling all these details throughout the book. I’ll spare you how that feels. However, I am getting after the part where I felt as if my dad inappropriately touched me.
Before I started writing this (today is January 17th, 2022) I talked to my dad about it in Fall 2021. He was completely understanding as told him the story I wrote in The Love Eye. Once I told him about it and asked if he remembered anything about the details of what I was talking about, I explained that I remember it very vividly. However, it took hours and hours of thought over many years for me to realize what had happened. There is more to the story:
I had experimented with masturbation prior to him walking into the room. It would have been embarrassing for him to know and I stopped as he walked in. I can understand that a young teen would quickly suppress this occurrence; being a teenager, puberty, etc is a strange time in life. At age 13ish, it was the first time I had been touched while being aroused. That’s why I felt it to be inappropriate, the way he was touching me. I couldn’t put the pieces together for this long. Looking back with this new detail, he would have had no idea how I felt internally.
I wish to set him free from this terrible “memory”, or lack of, that I thought he committed. I couldn’t even watch him anywhere close to little girls over all this time. I spent the better part of 20 years believing he was a child molester. It made me sick and i would cringe to see him with a baby on his lap, etc.
Every time I had to relive this experience was similar to a splinter, but there’s a splinter that went through the splinter time and time again to the same thoughts and splinter after splinter until now. Needless to say, I found my tweezers. I can finally move on from a misperceived interpretation. It is unappealing and sad that I had to live my life so long thinking my dad was something he is not. He is many things but he is not a molester or have any sexual ideation with children.
I’ve read that doing the exact things you fear is the best option to take. It is the most head on experience you can put to mind. Once you do something that makes you fearful, it is much easier to face it again. Maybe visiting an area in your life that you fear can be a one and done situation?
I have some fears about bringing light to some circling and almost spiraling thoughts in my mind. Some of these things make me feel like a terrible person. In any case: face your fears before it spirals forever.
Have you ever walked past something in your home that needs done and you think to yourself, “I’ll do it later”? Have you walked past that task a handful of times and you pass it again, go settle into a show you’re watching and your mind references back to the thought of that thing you have neglected to do? You think about it again; now it is spiraling… GET UP, GET IT DONE. Why is that so hard? We feel better when we complete tasks, why not just do it.
Something comes into play that I call wood. It is all around us. Every tree every basket, every food, every piece of art, it is all wood. The oo symbolizes someone looking into your life and every interpretation that someone sees while looking in is another piece of wood. I picture people with hand binoculars, ’round their eyes, analyzing and processing the soul and world within the soul. All wood.
Wood has to do with so many things within each human. It has to do with interactions with other souls or pieces of wood and the cause/effect that comes into play. In a relationship we work to find out if our pieces fit together. Maybe one needs sanded, or both. Maybe the color offsets or even complements the other. The design integrates a flow within the other. Endless possibilities stream through while we get to know each other. Eventually, we [hopefully] realize it doesn’t work well together; on the other side of the spectrum, maybe those pieces of wood should be bound together, creating an overall impressive impression.
I am scared to say that I feel so much more in touch with myself when I practice understanding myself when i am independent from a source. I feel closest to myself without a ruler or God almighty or Buddha.
Throughout time, I was programmed by this world like many others. Once you wake up and start trying to mend your present moment into the future you desire, it seems impossible…unless you know things. If you know the deeply rooted beliefs within your body and mind, you have a compass.
You can see parents as on demand wood workers, especially when we are young. Mothers birthed the wood grain and early in life the first alterations are made.
I’ve been breaking words down for a long time. It is my ABC’s to being awakened.
COMFORT: come for T
if you want comfort, visit/think/admire someone [come]
for [simply the word “for”]
T
Meaning of T: [multiple beliefs]
1. other countries make a ritual based on taking their tea, very sacred
2. Cold refreshing tea on a summer day
3. Simply doing something simple and enjoyable
COMFORT
I’ve been cycling words and my alternative definitions to everything. I have broken down EVERY letter in the american english alphabet to better understand the world around me when i could not understand many things. I wasn’t able to rationalize money for a period of time. I broke that word down but there is alot of room for interpretation so, it gets harder before it get easier in this instance.
However, I came out the other side with a whole new way of thinking and processing. I didn’t leave home much for many years. I felt energies of others and somehow got wrapped up in their rash or harsh negativity. I didn’t know how to protect myself. Sometimes it feels like i am holding my breath to protect myself now days.
Sticking to honesty, which I work to live my life by, I am stuck in a fight or flight existence. I’m good with dealing with trauma all the way through to the last bits, but it is literally because I feel nearly always prepared to deal with crisis. While you may already know, these things are very draining. I’m seeking other options and ways to keep myself spiritually safe..
I would compare that to a wooden haircut: a little off the top. If thoughts and beliefs were seen by looking at the scalp, a little off the top would be telling just enough information [hair] to notice and put little things together. You can always take a little more off, you can’t put it back. You can grow [your hair] but it takes time and care. While I show you my world of wood, you must have an open mind. Please reach out if this is giving you thought bubbles or even just thoughts 😉
I had finally had enough: sink or swim, I drowned in every attempt the past several months to get a grip on what my brother would call a semi hoard. He and his wife as well as my mom had to know that I had become miserable about my home life, about the mess, the accumulation of stuff. I felt that someone needed to know. I had to be held accountable for this in order for me to fix it. I couldn’t put all the pieces together alone. My brother responds by telling me to utilize the dumpster outside. I hadn’t considered what may need thrown away. To be completely honest I didn’t see the amount of my stuff as a problem just too small of an apartment to fit my needs. Although it’s true that I need a second bedroom for my crafts and a desperate need of a space to relax outside, I hadn’t accounted for all the essential items i have collected over the years. It didn’t occur to me to get rid of most of my sheet sets, most of my blankets and a plethora of bathroom products that I “might need”. I didn’t realize that these items carry an emotional weight.
I spent many years feeling as if I couldn’t ask for help. I felt like a burden. I am just now feeling as if I can reach out without causing problems for everyone else. Maybe I over analyzed my relationships; maybe I needed to build a better self before I could interact. My coping strategies didn’t use to be effective. I carried so much mental baggage on my conscious mind that it was a ball of wary string. I am ready to let people into my life and feel confident that I’ve untangled myself to such a point that I am worthwhile. In the past, I’ve had to reach out in other ways to receive help. That being said, if I can give these words of encouragement for others to feel supported from a loving family member, the help out of this situation is as follows:
This had happened before, back in 2012, My semi-hoard. I was in a relationship with a particularly heavy amount of gaslighting. By the way, I was not familiar with the term gaslighting until last week. I didn’t know people do this, contrasting with my overly honest nature, given that I am in good mental health. For example, when i went through this reverse hoarding period of time, I didn’t learn much about why i had so much stuff and the change that goes along with truly helping yourself out of a situation like this. I was absentminded about what was happening in my life as the gas-lit relationship and newly full-time job completely consumed me. I am so thankful now for this happening because of the life changes and mental breaks my mind is going through. There are always things to know.
It turns out, we all accumulate too much stuff. If you are not acclimated to regularly dispose of things that come into your home, we all have too much junk. I didn’t realize severity of my situation until I threw away over 20 full bags of trash over the past few days.
Day 1:
It’s been a productive day. Blankets sheets coats
My voice to mom, brother and his wife:
Made some hard decisions but already feeling like I’m coming out on top. I realized once I threw stuff away that I’m throwing my old memories away. Although it may be obvious to you, I didnt realize the emotional baggage that goes along with letting things go. This is a slam dunk for me. I had sheets and coats that I’ve had since I moved out on my own 17 years ago. Gone! Today was a victory because I have more room in my mind to make new memories. even if mom just held the trash bag, she helped me get the momentum going. I have projects to work through now and things are more manageable. This is also a lesson for me to vocalize what’s going on through my head. This isn’t as debilitating now that I opened up for support. I’m not a burden. You guys love me and want to see me do well.
Monday, December 13, 2021 7:26 PM DAY 3
Day 2, yesterday my mom and I took all of the dirty laundry from my longly accumulated, 4 foot high pile in the living room to the laundry mat. Before going, I sifted through the items, accounting for each, and forced myself to downsize. I had sheets from when I was 18 years old!!! That’s 17 years ago!!! These had to go.
I pondered which ones out of 8 or so sets of sheets to keep. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a bit of a challenge. I chose the final ones I wanted outside of the laundry mat, loaded the washers and stopped myself. I took a set of sheets out that I wanted to exchange with a set that I had ready to throw away. I took the sheets out to switch sets so i could wash the others i chose to keep. Suddenly, I had the incentive to throw them both away as means to open up my life to new things. This was empowering once i fully processed what was going on!! I mean, fireworks in mind. I had not only got rid an item, i had thrown away an item that held lots and lots of memories. Like i said, dating back to 2005, those sheets and blankets came with me a long way!! I felt so much better as we pulled away from the laundry mat. I have a renewed chance at life.
Moving on to day 3, Monday (today). I went up and down the stairs at my apartment so many times the past couple days i was physically worn out. My job at work doesn’t require a lot of physical work and I’ve gotten lazy over the last year, so i ended up sleeping quite a long time last night.
Awaking late in the morning, I received a text from my mom asking if I’m ready for another day of clearing and sorting. I didn’t waste any time, and tackled 2/3 of the monstrous colossal of dishes with the help of my boyfriend.
I FILLED the dumpster today. There were a few things in there from the neighbors beforehand, but I am so proud of how far I have come in the past few days. Back to work tomorrow, I already feel different. The noise in my mind isn’t so loud. Maybe I can focus on things such as my health after I get my home back in order.
I am so thankful for this experience. I got my family involved for accountability. I explained that as little as checking in and asking about progress is going to keep the wheels turning.
I decided today, after watching and reading about decluttering and what to keep, that any flat surface should be clear before bed and an empty sink. With the mess I’m cleaning right now it’s not possible but i am simply planting the seed to encourage that in my future.
Sometimes I think that life is central to my world. Maybe I’m becoming aware of myself and connecting with my surroundings. It seems like I have a connection to some people and it feels like they want to help. I still have delusions and don’t know the difference at times but have learned to live with this in a way that is self-preserving and I always look at the positive outcomes.
It feels like there is a space station in my mind with fingers pointing every which way. In my space ship, I now have Myles in my mind but his physical appearance isn’t something that is positioned visually as the others sitting at my “table” in my mind. It is likely because he has only been in my life since December 2020. I think the people at my table are more involved in my personal life, whereas the people in my spaceship are work related. Not many people make it here in my mind. I fully understand that I’m crazy but I’m pretty sure everyone is suppressing some of the things they think of and sometimes fear because they don’t want to be dubbed as crazy.
I just own it. I own it in my conversations and in everyday life. It’s not that I spread my so-called craziness, it’s that when it comes time to express my truths, I carefully puzzle together the bits of my consciousness into a way that relates to the question or conversation at hand. I generally don’t offer more than I am asked for because there are people such as my previous self who “take to” logical things in the wrong way or alter thoughts strongly because it is portrayed by a person who is credible.
Speaking of someone who is credible, Myles is credible. Just being around and observing how he responds to things and situations is soothing. I have been worked to death mentally, stemming from childhood with a mother who tediously micro-managed my life into my 20s when my therapist talked me through the steps to remove her from my life. It wasn’t easy but after a few years, she tried to come back into my life and do the same thing she used to do to me. It was hell. I was in a living hell and I can’t imagine it was good for either of us. It was flat out mental and emotional abuse at its worst.
In efforts to find my best self, back to Myles: he’s soft-spoken, relaxed, intuitive and trustworthy. The things that he portrays that are helping me change myself for the better is:
he is not in a hurry like I’ve been programmed to do.
visually, he is relaxed, cool and collective.
he talks slower.
he moves slower.
ALL of these things are tools to help me reprogram myself to become who I want to be and to help me feel better. I feel like I’m giving 200% on wide open everyday. It’s good to have values at work but there’s a line that can be drawn where enough is enough. I don’t have to feel constantly pressured. I don’t have to feel worried that I’m going to do the wrong thing. I just need to use these tools for awhile until I can transform into a new, better, updated person that will lead me in my better future.
Hello fellow humans. I’m here to explain my experience with PTSD both in myself and others that I have observed over the years. I’ve been thinking on this for awhile…
Traumatic experiences can cause us to change ourselves in order to avoid the trauma happening to us in the future; sometimes, avoiding the issue at all costs. A person’s experience is generally caused by another person, either directly or indirectly. It can agonizingly reoccur in the mind as often as constantly. We generate a new experience when this happens and a change in mood, body language, and even articulation comes into play, sometimes unknowingly. This is what people are experiencing.
Compartmentalization happens when the traumatic event has become very involved, or embedded in our fight or flight system. It causes panic attacks, feelings of depression and anxiety, sometimes feeling as if it is coming from no where. Sometimes the event will flash through our minds and we are instantly triggered to feel differently. Compartments are created: traumatic event A is created and our whole mentality can be engaged to reaction 1. Thus, a new separate section of ourselves is made in order to secure our safety that has once been threatened.
In so many words, we start to change ourselves because our senses pick up on cues in everyday life, due to other people/situations during the traumatic experience(s). It is a “front” to our original world. This is where it starts. People get caught up in the alterations of themselves directly from the bad experience.
It’s not my job to understand why people do things to purposely cause some people trauma. However, I can’t help but try to understand. Some people are testing other people to see how they react to the said trauma. I try to make myself think that people do it for the better good because it’s debilitating to think they someone would do things to make other’s life harder. I have to state that I am an optimist and generally refuse to see things negatively. However, I prefer to find the truth.
As a whole, we make compartments for ourselves for something as simple as work. We generate a new type of self due to the environment around us. We adapt. Some people make us create a compartment just for them and others like them.
I feel that I have been massively altered by other people. For so many years, I was guided around person by person, both platonic and love relationships. I didn’t recognize that people were creating change within me. An eruption from someone or a lie or rigidity from others bent me in ways that I simply did not see. Maybe this can be an eye opener for some. I hope this makes itself to you. You are not alone and there are ways to make it through.
Although it’s not for everyone, I tame PTSD with cannabis. More to come.
I’ve been through a lifetime dedicated to learning about myself and how to improve life conditions. At first it started with self-realization. Struggling to realize that I am a real life person was the first step. Struggling with mental heath conditions and many therapies, such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy, I had a drive to ” make it”. Faking it until you make it was the only thing i knew how to do through my 20s and early 30s. I am 34 now. I only have felt as if I’ve really had it together for a couple years. I learned so much and went through so many hardships that life just isn’t as difficult as I had felt it was. I still have struggles, of course, but they are now manageable. I had about 2 weeks that was undoubtedly a huge struggle. I wanted to give up but pulled through.
Waking up feeling a sense of calm throughout myself, I reached for my phone to check my daily “junk”; I refrained. I knew this long ago feeling of self awareness and soft conscious and didn’t want to leave it. I brought it to work with me and it showed up in this blog! I always want to reach out in ways of helping. I am going to worry about myself and what happens in my life THEN i will share it with you.
Over the past few weeks my mind has been under-stimulated. I couldn’t get myself to achieve tasks or even care for myself. I realized last night that my boyfriend may have been a gift from God because he helps take care of me physically. More specifically, he is wonderful about helping me put Avexia Pain relief 1:1 balm on my feet, knees and back. It has encouraged me to do more for myself and boosted my wellbeing. It’s just really nice to know that someone cares enough about me to help me with things where I fall short. Help with cleaning is a different subject… We won’t go there for now.
Goals (short list):
FInd a house.
Advance in my career.
BLOG and share my feelings.
Lose weight.
ilearnforlife 