I feel terrible

I came here to talk about my experience. I don’t have a good topic for today other than I hate to fail. Who doesn’t?

I can’t stop myself from eating. It’s an addiction. Anyone who doesn’t think it is, hasn’t been addicted to eating. I want to just stop. It seems like I should be able to “just stop” but it isn’t working that way. Part of my problem is that I spend too much time at home. I get cooped up in here wandering in thought and feel as if I want to eat.

For a long time, I have fought mental illness. I have a traumatic brain injury amongst some other choice jargon. Because of my struggle, I gave into my eating habits and boy are they hard to reverse. I let myself eat whatever I wanted. I ate to be happy. I ate when I was stressed. I ate just to eat. I’m guilty as an over eater hands down.

But, when I went to reverse this kindling of my life, I’m finding it tears into my happiness. I even feel a little depressed about not being able to indulge in my favorite foods. I keep pushing the thoughts in my head to remember that the changes I am making is to embark a change: weight loss. I want to be at a healthy weight more than anything else. That should be enough to quit eating bad food!!

The other obstacle I face is that I live right next door to a grocery store. Seems nice, eh? Not after you’ve slaved your mind to the store every becking call of your stomach.

All and all, I need some help here. How can I recoupe my mind to eat when I need to not just any time?


Radical Approach to Normalizing Food Consumption

Binge eating means that I will eat a whole pizza and a half gallon of ice cream for dinner and want a snack of a few tacos a little later while dipping cookies to finish off the box of ice cream while the tacos cook. The crazy thing is that I don’t feel as if I am there while it is all taking place. The eating controls my thoughts and actions. Before I know it I’ve zoomed through the whole thing and I’m left ready to sleep so that I can wake up and unknowingly and do it again, sometime waking up in the middle of the night opening up the other box of ice cream in the freezer to take a few bites and fall back asleep.

I’ve found a less traditional way to counter my unacceptable way of eating, and more importantly, way of thinking. Positioning my mind to fix it, so far, it’s working.

I’m studying the thought patterns of those who have anorexia nervosa disorder.

I stumbled upon a show called Supersize vs. Superskinny. One supersize 400+ pound colossal and a superskinny 100 pound mini agree to living in “the feeding clinic” for several days to a week. A group of each, corralled wearing only their undergarments, are paired up, beginning with a reflection of their extreme physical size differences.  While they are checked into this clinic, they switch diets. The fatties – eating up to 5000 calories a day – are trading their meals for the meager 500 calories that their underweight partner generally consumes while the skinny is forced to stuff their face with a smorgasbord. The mentality it holds is quite brilliant.

Supersize vs Superskinny Episode 1

I watched these episodes for several weeks while I began to reprocess.  I started tearing my thoughts apart to see that my way of thinking caused me to leave part of myself way far behind. Pauses and gestures I observed by the superskinny placed pauses in my own mind. My old behaviours are becoming less and less desirable.  I have a stifling addiction that I have to learn to comfortably live with or otherwise face the future consequences.

A healthy lifestyle requires a handle that I – until now – never fully developed. Those who are underweight also face a huge obstacle… i don’t fully understand that obstacle … but following their thoughts and actions is helping me “get the picture”, a new healthier picture.

I don’t recommend this approach to anyone with severe mental illness. It’s important that I do not adapt to the opposing spectrum as a new addiction, but as a tool to take notes on how to reach a better self. Seems crazy at 240 pounds, but I am recognizing that it could certainly happen to anyone while observing this light.


To Feeling Better

Weight loss is more of a experience than it seems, especially after being heavy for most of my life. My journey is about health and wellness; I trust that the rest will come with time. I thought I could make an oblivion of steps all at once and be like “wee ha! I’m losing weight” – and this does happen… and it is a large part of it… but there is a plethora of emotion… almost grieving (as in emptiness) that has been happening in my small steps forward. I’m wondering: am I going to feel naked and exposed once I lose weight? It boils down to “it doesn’t really matter”, but the first couple gouges is like knocking down six foot weeds with a sledgehammer – lots of work and not much leeway until I find the right set of tools.

The situation leaves one factor to be addressed: simplify.

To state the truth, I’ve eaten gorges of food only to find habitual empty eating. Regular intake of sugar feels as if placing a damp cloth on the fire of the mind. Less pleasure plus impulsiveness leads me to feeling very dull.

I have to constantly remind myself to encourage growth. I’ve reclaimed these thoughts on post-its and placed them in my kitchen. It can be a powerful step forward. YOUR MIND WILL FUNCTION PROPERLY IF YOU EAT PROPERLY (says my computer monitor), a daily reminder. It’s an addiction we have to learn to live with (or mostly without).

Empty eating … minus the eating … equals empty right? Kind of.. What’s more important is to initially fill the mind with new “healthy thinking” to fill the holes before this process even starts… preparation to hold you up. I want to be “full” as a human being once I reach my target weight. I want to feel as if I have truly accomplished a life dream by taking this journey and next step in life.

I saw a dietitian and explained my binge eating behaviors and how it has gotten out of hand. She responded in a very basic way: teaching me portion control, reviewing recommended serving sizes and food groups and suggesting regular walking as a moderate exercise to get started… everything I already knew. Sometimes, having someone tell you what you need in your life is the best thing you can do.

“Cold turkey” dieting didn’t work for me; it works for some, not for me. I followed a meal plan completely for about a week and fell out. I fell out hard – not forever but for several days. I ate everything terrible that I wanted to eat, promising myself that I would resume and stick to my plan. Then, I fasted for a full waking period.

It wasn’t as difficult as a fat person might expect; in fact, it was enlightening. I found  a rhythm for my future thought processes to follow. Keeping hydrated, drinking water and realizing that food is my only demon that I have to face head on.

A Less than Cosmic Adventure.

There I was… sitting in my computer chair binge watching countless episodes of Kitchen Nightmares when it hit me: The box is gone! I’ve ate it!

A less than epiphonic light dreams the sudden adventure of owning a kitchen of my own, designing menus and imagining myself imputing fresh components in order to deliver the best possible food… but I also wanted to sell macrame that I’ve handmade, open a bakery, and run a mile… none of which are fully accounted for, except in my thoughts.

I move forward and give over to the weekend with 2 pizzas, ramen noodles and a gallon of ice cream that i can no longer comprehend eating – let alone enjoy . I had to look through the trash can just to remember what the hell i ate while slewing through countless bullshit on the computer screen.

The screen doesn’t even have to be on. I could have blank canvas walls, silence, and a beautiful place setting and still eat in the same stone-faced, non-recollective motions of death. I’m not sure I even know what good food is. Gooey, melted, watery cheese on top of anything… BLECK! I’ll eat it.

I realize I have more than a problem. In fact, i’ve been realizing it for awhile. The “Move Over Butter” at the grocery store sounds amusing but it is becoming less and less of a brand and more of a reality.  The light of my misadventure is magnified and retracted: I’ve been rolling over this truth for a full year now! It’s time to put in some stops. Where do I stop??

On a straightforward note, I’ve put my foot down dozens of times but I keep falling through the holes. Even deeper, I’m feeling outside entities of my past reaching into my current state of crisis and shoving food down my throat.

Yes, I was a chunky child, a fat teenager, and an obese adult. Weighing in at over 250 pounds and 5’10”, I feel to be a nightmare within myself. Who is cooking in my kitchen!!?!?  The food bugs are buzzin in my mind and I’m eating it. Worthlessness and disgust, i zone out of the thoughts that allow me to comprehend my fat ass and buy 3x clothing. 2x T-shirts. This is serious.

I could even blame my family for supporting such an outrageous outlet for thought. That’s where I went wrong. I let it all in and now i have to stamp out the fire. For me, I may find that it’s less of a challenge than I’ve let it become, i just have to put in some steps instead of trying to conquer this thing as one big obstacle. It’s mind of over matter right? Maybe i’ve found the right place to think this through…  a place for accountability other than a food log. I don’t mind jamming that little box as tight as possible!

I lower down to a conscious state of mind and see that there are many levels of thought.

  1. The seemingly outside of my head and thought process thinking:
    1. compulsive eating
    2. habitual thoughts of thinking I’m hungry
    3. and my favorite: the one where i end up in the kitchen with food in my hand and nearly no idea how i ended up there or why i’m eating another ice cream sandwich while standing in a daze staring at nothing.

I don’t love to eat all this shit. I’ve reached this point because I’m fucking addicted. I don’t love eating to then magnify the effects I can visually see in my stomach… or maybe i do? Maybe I’m unconsciously hijacked to observe in amazement at how big i’m really getting… week after month and now three years of digesting copious amounts of food in order to take the slosh in the mirror, not to mention state of mind. Where am I? Why am i here?

I’m here to find number two. Maybe I can reverse my thinking about size and weight and proportions. I have many thoughts to fill two three and even four… but how will i comprehend this in the brain? I know how to eat and what to eat but I keep reaching for the same molten lava shit piles of garbage. There is a force field blocking my inner thought from processing ideas.

You know that “i’m stuffed feeling after you’ve left the buffet?” Yea… I’m not processing my thoughts properly because they are being re-routed. A fuzzy force field is blocking the center of my brain from reaching the pleasure centers because all my mind wants is food! I don’t even know what i want and i beg the question… is it from food or is it something else?

Quit drinking CHECK
Quit All Pharmaceuticals CHECK
Quit Marijuana CHECK

Attempting to hijack my own brain IN PROGRESS
Following an exercise routine IN PROGRESS

What does else does life want from me to get ahold of this thing by the horns??…

So here i am. A fucking blogger about it. I’m going to slow it down in attempts to take it apart to put it back together like i’ve pulled apart so many other parts of life. I’m doing this for me and if you wish to follow along, be my guest.