Come and Go

My plan settles into the background while I sit down with chili filled cheese and crackers. The next couple days of spaghetti were no less fortune filled while I gobbled my way through multiple bowls and a box of garlic bread. I failed again.

Astral projection and some empty space later, I find my threshold, then a pot of chicken soup. Hearty. Vegetable. Simple. This, not any less contribution, led me to the supermarket – a sale – to find a one day markdown on Simple Life brand (organic, natural line of food) of chicken breasts and power greens. JUST. IN. TIME.



SO easy

I promise not to rave over and over about how fucking easy weight watchers makes portion control and regulating my eating habits. It doesn’t feel right but I’m going to let it fix me – the consumption part of me, anyway . My perceptions could be based upon my troubled eating past… if you’ve followed along you see the difficulties I’ve faced. It was a non winning battle in my mind. I have to maintain this simple path is the key.

Without thought I would cook a pot of chili, eat multiple bowls of it plus a roll of crackers and a cup of cheese and say fuck it. I’ve added a couple cans of extra stewed tomatoes, cut the crackers, threw out the cheese and that puts me on a roll. The high protein/fiber content lowers the consumption to a minimal level. Eat chili – put hamburger in it (WHO CARES!). I can eat two to three cups of it and that’s acceptable. Acceptable not only by calorie count, but also by consumptive quantity. I have to feed my HUGE appetite.


Early December Chili
Thursday, December 1, 2016

2 lbs Ground beef (drained and squeezed)
Two large cans crushed toms
Three small cans stewed tomatoes
Two cans kidney beans (drained)
One can (one hot one mild) chili beans
2 onions

1 green pepper

4 jalapenos (can’t find the n-yey)
Chili powder and cumin




New Plan

I feel downgraded by joining a “program” but I did. I joined weight watchers last night and while reviewing its criterion, I see that I had too many factors going haywire. Using the system feels like a monkey; it’s so easy it feels like cheating. I have to be sure to implement all the things I’ve learned about the mind because the learning is limited to choose, click and eat. Sure there are tons of articles and recipes to learn from, but my own personal learning will take me much further in this pursuit to feeling healthier. It gives me a way to be accountable for what I’m doing and consuming.

First dinner:

4oz salmon
2tsp. EVOO
12oz brussel sprouts

Seems impossible this [jump start] wouldn’t work, following the struggles I’ve been facing. I don’t know why it wouldn’t work before, knowing this is acceptable eating, but calculating every nutritional  value and juggling those considerations with what to eat kept me in a jumble.

It was the shitty food I was/had been eating. There’s little additives in there that we don’t really see or taste. Those additives kept me sick (drowning in food fury) and addicted. I QUIT!

Cept… there’s a piece of pumpkin pie left in the fridge I took from the freezer that i took from grandmas.. do i eat it..? I didn’t even eat any pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving. Seems like such a waste.

NO!! These are faulty signals in the brain!


Rearrangement of Thought

Rolling into Thanksgiving, there is hope. On the brink of insanity in the world of food, I’ll give it another day before I pull back the reigns. My thoughts – through study of any addiction – say that you’re not ready until you’re ready. Absent from any health issues and oblivious to the pink stamp around my middle, I will add my true desires in regards to being thinner to my thought pattern.

Cut. Paste. I’m bogged down by feeling full and I want to feel lighter. I’m breaking into my own mind and inserting my new bikini. Seems impossible – it’s not.

In my case, there are many factors that contribute to my struggle with weight loss. The true nature of why so many people eat so much is to self-medicate. Taking away “thus medication” requires me to find another way to medicate my mind. It’s not exactly a trade either. Food isn’t just new thinking, it’s new feelings. It’s an adjustment. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Gastronomical Itch

I fear food. A dynamic of life that I have abused. Gnawing on the last crumbs from the cereal bag, I reach the bottom of the bowl. The milk has reached that stage where it is now a captive sugar bath for the cereal where it either sinks or floats. Now with a new found despisement upon myself, I notice a slimy texture as I put spoon after spoon in my mouth. I get that gagging feeling while finishing the last few bites. What am I doing?? What is this shit?

I am hoping this to be a resting point for my food addiction. A lifetime of low energy and poor concentration, I’ve an itch for finding the foods that make me feel the best.

Here’s a hat.

dscn39161NOM NOM!!


Find more on my website: Uniq Creations

Radical Approach to Normalizing Food Consumption

Binge eating means that I will eat a whole pizza and a half gallon of ice cream for dinner and want a snack of a few tacos a little later while dipping cookies to finish off the box of ice cream while the tacos cook. The crazy thing is that I don’t feel as if I am there while it is all taking place. The eating controls my thoughts and actions. Before I know it I’ve zoomed through the whole thing and I’m left ready to sleep so that I can wake up and unknowingly and do it again, sometime waking up in the middle of the night opening up the other box of ice cream in the freezer to take a few bites and fall back asleep.

I’ve found a less traditional way to counter my unacceptable way of eating, and more importantly, way of thinking. Positioning my mind to fix it, so far, it’s working.

I’m studying the thought patterns of those who have anorexia nervosa disorder.

I stumbled upon a show called Supersize vs. Superskinny. One supersize 400+ pound colossal and a superskinny 100 pound mini agree to living in “the feeding clinic” for several days to a week. A group of each, corralled wearing only their undergarments, are paired up, beginning with a reflection of their extreme physical size differences.  While they are checked into this clinic, they switch diets. The fatties – eating up to 5000 calories a day – are trading their meals for the meager 500 calories that their underweight partner generally consumes while the skinny is forced to stuff their face with a smorgasbord. The mentality it holds is quite brilliant.

Supersize vs Superskinny Episode 1

I watched these episodes for several weeks while I began to reprocess.  I started tearing my thoughts apart to see that my way of thinking caused me to leave part of myself way far behind. Pauses and gestures I observed by the superskinny placed pauses in my own mind. My old behaviours are becoming less and less desirable.  I have a stifling addiction that I have to learn to comfortably live with or otherwise face the future consequences.

A healthy lifestyle requires a handle that I – until now – never fully developed. Those who are underweight also face a huge obstacle… i don’t fully understand that obstacle … but following their thoughts and actions is helping me “get the picture”, a new healthier picture.

I don’t recommend this approach to anyone with severe mental illness. It’s important that I do not adapt to the opposing spectrum as a new addiction, but as a tool to take notes on how to reach a better self. Seems crazy at 240 pounds, but I am recognizing that it could certainly happen to anyone while observing this light.


C-Shaped Past

As I bring my mind to consciousness, the first thing i find is that my back is stiff. My calves are naturally muscular to hold my body weight, thighs, mostly normal besides the upper-inner, and arms are regular. Weight 242.2, mostly around my middle.

Ass planted in computer chair since I was 13 – tailbone tucked, shoulders hunched forward – I never noticed the slump I slowly reached. It is no wonder I ache, I am out of alignment! Constant mental reminders to straighten up swarm my mental cycles. Sitting, walking, standing, I am realigning everything. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results; I expect this is as near to insanity as it can possibly get without flowing over.

For a mental picture, rag doll roll up is helping me to experience a new feeling and release tension in between vertebrae. Namaste.