There I was… sitting in my computer chair binge watching countless episodes of Kitchen Nightmares when it hit me: The box is gone! I’ve ate it!
A less than epiphonic light dreams the sudden adventure of owning a kitchen of my own, designing menus and imagining myself imputing fresh components in order to deliver the best possible food… but I also wanted to sell macrame that I’ve handmade, open a bakery, and run a mile… none of which are fully accounted for, except in my thoughts.
I move forward and give over to the weekend with 2 pizzas, ramen noodles and a gallon of ice cream that i can no longer comprehend eating – let alone enjoy . I had to look through the trash can just to remember what the hell i ate while slewing through countless bullshit on the computer screen.
The screen doesn’t even have to be on. I could have blank canvas walls, silence, and a beautiful place setting and still eat in the same stone-faced, non-recollective motions of death. I’m not sure I even know what good food is. Gooey, melted, watery cheese on top of anything… BLECK! I’ll eat it.
I realize I have more than a problem. In fact, i’ve been realizing it for awhile. The “Move Over Butter” at the grocery store sounds amusing but it is becoming less and less of a brand and more of a reality. The light of my misadventure is magnified and retracted: I’ve been rolling over this truth for a full year now! It’s time to put in some stops. Where do I stop??
On a straightforward note, I’ve put my foot down dozens of times but I keep falling through the holes. Even deeper, I’m feeling outside entities of my past reaching into my current state of crisis and shoving food down my throat.
Yes, I was a chunky child, a fat teenager, and an obese adult. Weighing in at over 250 pounds and 5’10”, I feel to be a nightmare within myself. Who is cooking in my kitchen!!?!? The food bugs are buzzin in my mind and I’m eating it. Worthlessness and disgust, i zone out of the thoughts that allow me to comprehend my fat ass and buy 3x clothing. 2x T-shirts. This is serious.
I could even blame my family for supporting such an outrageous outlet for thought. That’s where I went wrong. I let it all in and now i have to stamp out the fire. For me, I may find that it’s less of a challenge than I’ve let it become, i just have to put in some steps instead of trying to conquer this thing as one big obstacle. It’s mind of over matter right? Maybe i’ve found the right place to think this through… a place for accountability other than a food log. I don’t mind jamming that little box as tight as possible!
I lower down to a conscious state of mind and see that there are many levels of thought.
- The seemingly outside of my head and thought process thinking:
- compulsive eating
- habitual thoughts of thinking I’m hungry
- and my favorite: the one where i end up in the kitchen with food in my hand and nearly no idea how i ended up there or why i’m eating another ice cream sandwich while standing in a daze staring at nothing.
I don’t love to eat all this shit. I’ve reached this point because I’m fucking addicted. I don’t love eating to then magnify the effects I can visually see in my stomach… or maybe i do? Maybe I’m unconsciously hijacked to observe in amazement at how big i’m really getting… week after month and now three years of digesting copious amounts of food in order to take the slosh in the mirror, not to mention state of mind. Where am I? Why am i here?
I’m here to find number two. Maybe I can reverse my thinking about size and weight and proportions. I have many thoughts to fill two three and even four… but how will i comprehend this in the brain? I know how to eat and what to eat but I keep reaching for the same molten lava shit piles of garbage. There is a force field blocking my inner thought from processing ideas.
You know that “i’m stuffed feeling after you’ve left the buffet?” Yea… I’m not processing my thoughts properly because they are being re-routed. A fuzzy force field is blocking the center of my brain from reaching the pleasure centers because all my mind wants is food! I don’t even know what i want and i beg the question… is it from food or is it something else?
Quit drinking CHECK
Quit All Pharmaceuticals CHECK
Quit Marijuana CHECK
Attempting to hijack my own brain IN PROGRESS
Following an exercise routine IN PROGRESS
What does else does life want from me to get ahold of this thing by the horns??…
So here i am. A fucking blogger about it. I’m going to slow it down in attempts to take it apart to put it back together like i’ve pulled apart so many other parts of life. I’m doing this for me and if you wish to follow along, be my guest.