To Feeling Better

Weight loss is more of a experience than it seems, especially after being heavy for most of my life. My journey is about health and wellness; I trust that the rest will come with time. I thought I could make an oblivion of steps all at once and be like “wee ha! I’m losing weight” – and this does happen… and it is a large part of it… but there is a plethora of emotion… almost grieving (as in emptiness) that has been happening in my small steps forward. I’m wondering: am I going to feel naked and exposed once I lose weight? It boils down to “it doesn’t really matter”, but the first couple gouges is like knocking down six foot weeds with a sledgehammer – lots of work and not much leeway until I find the right set of tools.

The situation leaves one factor to be addressed: simplify.

To state the truth, I’ve eaten gorges of food only to find habitual empty eating. Regular intake of sugar feels as if placing a damp cloth on the fire of the mind. Less pleasure plus impulsiveness leads me to feeling very dull.

I have to constantly remind myself to encourage growth. I’ve reclaimed these thoughts on post-its and placed them in my kitchen. It can be a powerful step forward. YOUR MIND WILL FUNCTION PROPERLY IF YOU EAT PROPERLY (says my computer monitor), a daily reminder. It’s an addiction we have to learn to live with (or mostly without).

Empty eating … minus the eating … equals empty right? Kind of.. What’s more important is to initially fill the mind with new “healthy thinking” to fill the holes before this process even starts… preparation to hold you up. I want to be “full” as a human being once I reach my target weight. I want to feel as if I have truly accomplished a life dream by taking this journey and next step in life.

I saw a dietitian and explained my binge eating behaviors and how it has gotten out of hand. She responded in a very basic way: teaching me portion control, reviewing recommended serving sizes and food groups and suggesting regular walking as a moderate exercise to get started… everything I already knew. Sometimes, having someone tell you what you need in your life is the best thing you can do.

“Cold turkey” dieting didn’t work for me; it works for some, not for me. I followed a meal plan completely for about a week and fell out. I fell out hard – not forever but for several days. I ate everything terrible that I wanted to eat, promising myself that I would resume and stick to my plan. Then, I fasted for a full waking period.

It wasn’t as difficult as a fat person might expect; in fact, it was enlightening. I found  a rhythm for my future thought processes to follow. Keeping hydrated, drinking water and realizing that food is my only demon that I have to face head on.


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